I haven't got it all figured out

I want to say this upfront.

Sharing tools, resources, and reflections doesn’t mean I’m “on the other side.”
It doesn’t mean I’ve cracked the code or found some permanent calm.

This is me, right now.
In the middle of it.
Trying to be honest about what anxiety actually looks like when it flares up again.

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“Sharing tools doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. It just means I’m still trying.”

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I know I’ve been sharing this collection of posts and tools that have helped me over the past few years.
But that doesn’t mean I have it all figured out.

Sometimes it’s really hard.
Sometimes knowing things doesn’t mean you can apply them.
Sometimes anxiety takes over and you go down a spiral.

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An abusive one, usually, for me.

The kind where my brain is very happy to remind me how much of a low-life and a failure I am. That I was never worth anything. That I’ll never achieve anything.

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Knowing the tools doesn’t mean you can always use them.
Sometimes anxiety still wins.
That doesn’t erase the work you’ve done.

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Lately, I’ve been struggling work-wise.
Not because I’m not good at what I do, but because my anxiety and my brain have been teaming up against me. I’ve been overwhelmed, stuck in a loop, unable to move.

So what do you do when that happens?

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Anxiety doesn’t always shout.
Sometimes it whispers, telling you you were never enough and never will be.

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Here’s what I’ve been doing to be a little kinder to myself.

• I’ve been journaling. I write down all the horrible things my brain and anxiety keep throwing at me. Getting them out of my head and onto paper helps me detach. Once it’s written, it becomes more tangible, and often, it loses some of its power.

• I’ve been doing yoga and very gentle stretching. Trying to be more in my body and less in my head. This is what I’ve been able to manage: five minutes, max. If I have it in me to do more, great. If not, that’s enough.
  This is the video I’ve been using (jokes on me, it’s a TikTok):
  https://www.tiktok.com/@coachjohnnoel/video/7583733649225387295?lang=en-GB‍

• I try to get out of the house as much as I can. I work from home, so even a short walk helps. It snowed here a few days ago, and I went out just to stroll through the city, be émerveillée, and be present.

• Crying. Let’s get real. I’ve been crying a lot. Feeling sorry for myself. Letting it happen instead of fighting it.

• For work, I had to reinstall Instagram and TikTok, and that took a real toll on my mental health. The comparison spiral is brutal, especially when I already feel insecure about my self-worth. I’m trying to go there less, putting timers on the apps. It’s… not working great. I might need to delete them again. Balancing work and mental health isn’t always easy.

• I’ve been sharing where I’m at with my partner. He’s been incredible. Listening, reassuring me, grounding me. Foot massages help me reconnect with my body and release some tension. Feeling supported matters more than I often admit.

• I’m also trying to add more color to my life. Color genuinely helps me feel brighter. I painted my nails a bold pink and I’m wearing really bright clothes, things I feel confident and good in. Like an armor.

• I have a cat, so lots of cuddles with my little furry friend.

• I’m trying to spend less time on screens, which is hard considering my job. But I’m reading more and doing things that feel genuinely fun. I’ve been reading Terry Pratchett. He wrote over 40 completely wacko books, and I love them.

• And when you have the luxury I do of managing your own schedule, accepting that you can take a morning off and do something completely different. This one is hard for me. I carry so much guilt about not being productive, not using that time to find new clients, and instead spending it on myself. It usually takes me a few bad days to reach the conclusion that I actually need a proper break. Even if it’s just a couple of hours. Sometimes it could be two days, which I really struggle to allow myself.

• Last but not least, I scheduled an extra appointment with my therapist next week. Because asking for help matters, even when it’s hard.

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In moments of deep insecurity and anxiety, I tend to shut people out. I keep them at arm’s length. So I’m trying to be more mindful of that. Even when I don’t want to “burden” anyone, I’m planning a couple of meet-ups with friends. This weekend, for example, I’m seeing people I genuinely enjoy.

This is where I’m at right now.

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If you’re reading this and thinking, “I do all the things too, and I still struggle sometimes,” you’re not failing. You’re human.

Progress isn’t linear. Healing isn’t tidy. And having tools doesn’t mean you’re immune to bad days, bad weeks, or moments where everything feels heavy again.

If this resonates, you’re not alone.
And if you feel like sharing, I’d genuinely love to know:

How do you navigate these moments when anxiety gets loud again?